Some minor 'abroad' complaints:

There's no end to the brilliance of the Hollywood actor (or actress/hermaphrodite) is there? Not content with lighting up all our lives with their marvellous ability to fake tears or have other people do their stunts (See Keira Knightley a little later), they are also happy to solve the world's political problems :)
     For example, let us look at the American weasel-faced halfwit (also known as Sean Penn), who thinks we Brits should give the Falklands back to the Argies. Simpering around the Argentine president Christina Kirchner, he said that Britain's 'colonial' occupation of the islands is 'ludicrous' and 'archaic'. Good for you sunshine, you learnt some posh words.
     However, he failed to mention anything to the sabre-rattling old bat about Argentina's genocidal attitude (and actions) towards its Indian population. Nor (as far as my mortal mind is aware), is he planning on handing back his vast Malibu estate - built upon land which the colonialist Yankee-Doodles nicked from Mexico.
     I think we should gather Oscar De La Hoya, the Guerrero wrestling family, Alberto Del Rio, Rey Mysterio, the Mexican football team and Caeser Millan (all the Mexicans I can think of at the moment) to liberate the place. preferably with Mr Penn still in it. (Next week - Charlie Sheen sorts out the Middle East, while Paris Hilton gives her views on the Euro.)

     Now, Keira Knightley......what is wrong with her bottom? Now, while not to my taste, she IS attractive. But the actress recently confided to Jonathan Woss that while she is perfectly happy to get her mammaries out when filming, she always uses a body-double for scenes which involve her derrière.
     Various anonymous women are brought to the film set and Keira inspects their bottoms. She then picks the one she likes the best, apparently.
     My contacts within the film industry tell me, worringly, that all this happens because Keira's own bum is rather odd. The problem is that she has several buttocks, rather than the customary two. When I asked how many, I was told that it can vary between 5 and 8. During the filming of Atonement, 7 appeared out of nowhere apparently. Whether this is true or not, I have no idea. But we have a right to be told!!!

     I'm gunna come back home now:

More from our long-running soap opera - 'We're all in this together' (Part 99, starring our Government). The MP's who work in the rather swish-sounding Portcullis House, in Westminster, have just spent half-a-million quid of our money on a VERY good cause. They are renting fig trees for their atrium.
     I bet you had no idea you could rent fig trees, did you? Well, I'm afraid that's why your atrium (to be frank) looks shit. There's nothing worse than a bare atrium, as any jumped-up interior designer will tell you.
     You need something like exotic trees or perhaps a stuffed woolly mammoth to fill out the space a bit. You've probably just got a hatstand, a radiator and pictures of family and/or friends in your atrium. Mugs, you lot are. Get yourself down to the fig tree rental centre, sharpish! A couple of dozen will only set you back a million or so!