Would he come back to Ewood? He Sherwood!

Tim Sherwood as the future manager of Blackburn Rovers. Rather an enticing prospect, I must admit (as a Rovers fan, myself). He's one of those potential appointments that is in the fuzzy grey area, where he has experience to an extent...but is it enough?

Allegedly, the end of Steve Kean's disastrous run as manager is imminent (a man who's record is one of the worst the Premier League has seen, let alone Blackburn Rovers), with Sherwood being tipped as his successor. Prior to his appointment, Steve Kean's experience in football was no more than coaching, having been injured early in his playing career. Even his assistant (Eric Black) has had 2 managerial positions (Coventry and Motherwell)! So how would Tim be an improvement on this cabbage of a manager, who makes nonsensical substitutions and fails to organise the defense?

Tim's experience in football is winning the Premier League, as the captain of Blackburn Rovers. He was the leader in a dressing room full of ego, answering only to 'King' Kenny Dalglish and 'Right-Hand' Ray Harford. Let's not forget his 3 caps with the England national side, either. Little reward for the talent of spotting a pass like no other; to the extent that when Dalglish wanted to sign Zinedine Zidane, the late, great 'Uncle' Jack Walker allegedly uttered: 'Why would we want Zidane when we have Tim?'

Tim unfortunately left the club under a cloud of claims that he was a disruptive influence during Roy Hodgson's managerial spell; claims which he vigorously refutes to this day.

After a spell as a pundit with Setanta Sport, in 2008 he was offered an assistant-coaching position at Tottenham Hotspur under then-manager, Harry Redknapp; a position he accepted on Halloween of that year. And, boy, has he flourished!

In 2010, he was promoted to the role technical co-ordinator, in charge of player development across all playing squads. Such is his talent in this role, rumours were flying around that he'd be promoted to the role of director of football! Having survived a management change when Andre Villas-Boas, it is thought that he is being groomed for a future managerial position at Spurs.

With regards to Blackburn, he may be exactly what the club needs. A club legend, who is articulate and has a good mind for the game, would give all the fans a lift in the wake of the club's collapse under Venkys and Steve Kean.

Tim has served his apprenticeship at Spurs and Blackburn would be his perfect first chance in the top job. The fans will back him to the hilt, and it's hard to imagine he could be any worse than the worst manager Rovers have had in recent years. Tim Sherwood has me thinking two words: Howard Kendall. Show us what you've got, Tim!

Deaf rant about The Voice.....

     The Voice UK lost another few good singers in recent shows, and some 2 million viewers as well. The show dipped to a series low of 6.6 million a week ago, and the format of the live shows is getting bloody annoying.

     It goes like this: Each week, the contestants compete in teams, competing against the other artists in their team to make the next round. It means that, by the final, each coach has one act present. But is it the best way to go about eliminations?

     The gimmick seems to go against the whole idea of a talent show purely about 'The Voice'.

     How can be it about the voice when the eliminations are based on arbitrary groups like the teams? The problem was apparent this week more than ever. If we were to rank the 10 performers, in a similar fashion to The X Factor, many of Team Jessie would’ve come bottom. In public polls, three of Jessie’s singers – Ruth, Cassius and Toni – were all less popular than Danny’s least most popular act, Hannah.

     Yet the format meant we lost Hannah, despite her voice being better (at least deemed by the public, and certainly in my view as well) than some of the other contestants who survived. The “everyone’s a winner” attitude to the coaches means that talent is sacrificed in favour of simply giving the well-paid stars something to do in the final.

     Now of course, a format like The X Factor could not be used, if only due to the legal issues, but perhaps a compromise could be made. Instead of requiring that one from each team go each week, simply specify the amount of contestants who have to leave, regardless of their team.

     That’d mean that Sunday’s show could have seen Ruth and Toni both go home from Team Jessie, while Hannah survived. When a coach has only one act left, they are then immune from elimination until the final. It’s not a perfect solution, but what it will do is give us all a chance to see more of the more popular talent and better voices, give the artists a bigger platform to launch themselves and, ultimately, make a more entertaining show. Hannah was eliminated over two artists who, according to polls at least, viewers want to see less.

     But the elimination process is just one of a number gripes I have about this show.

     It is NOT about the voice! The show itself is a gimmick. A bald girl with a pretty poor voice goes through to the poorly thought-out 'battle rounds' ahead of someone with a stunning voice(although I forget their names). So it ISN'T about the voice, it's (in this instance) about 'going the other way'. It's a back-handed compliment to a girl with alopecia just because she has a decent cabaret voice. “You're bald but we'll put you through to show we don't care about looks!” (and achieve the polar opposite of what we want).

     The swivelling chairs.....I want one. But they aren't a decent way of ensuring it's 'all about the voice'. If it WAS all about the voice, the judges would be segregated in booths so they can't see who buzzes in (to 'like' the act, in facebook lingo). Desperate Danny and JessexJ only ever seem to buzz in when Sir Tom Jones and I.Am.Will buzz in.

     The judges themselves. Here we go. Sir Tom Jones is a legend and has every right to be a judge. Multiple hit singles/albums, shows in Las Vegas and a knighthood prove that. But the others?

     As far as I'm aware, JessexJ is basically a younger Jade Goody with a fuck-ton of make-up on and 2 singles (one of which -Pricetag- was both good and shit in one go). As much as I would love to 'give her one', she's 23 and has nowhere near 'made it' as a pop star yet. She has no right to judge, although she admittedly has her head screwed on. She's eye-candy for us males (which is obsolete now that Holly Willoughbooby's milk jugs are practically on show every week).

     Desperate Danny 'Oim an Oirushman' O'Donoghue.......*sigh*. I'm a fan of The Script and LOVE a lot of their music. But who the fuck is he? He needs to stopped headbanging like a fecking pidgeon and continually fist-pumping (he also has impressive forearms, so to call him a wanker might just be an expression of fact on that evidence) before I take him seriously. And he needs to stop playing up to the Irish stereotype, as he will never surpass Dara O'Briain. He's just one step away from becoming BOTH Paddy and Murphy in the well-known jokes.

     Now we come to 'dope' I.Am.Will (as much as you look like Yoda, don't pretend you ARE him). He's hilarious (very genuinely) and I actually like the guy. He's an agent/manager so actually has a right to judge the singers. But only the Lord knows why he's sat there in his own clothing range. I appreciate he's trying to promote his stuff, but he looks like a colourblind power ranger with the dodgiest afro you ever saw.

     'The Voice is different!' fans proclaim! No, you're very wrong, you imbeciles. It isn't different, it's just the newest show. It's the same as PopIdol, X-factor, AmericanIdol, US X-factor etc etc etc. It's all looks and sob stories and never about the talent!

It’s no wonder ratings are decline.

     The only show that is about talent is (the clue's in the name) Britain's Got Talent. It isn't about the best looking singer but simply the BEST singer. Look at Susan Boyle and Paul Potts (unfortunate name, mate). Feck ugly but STUNNING voices and millionaires now!! And neither of them were 'potential pop stars'.

     But BGT does more than that, it gives us the best dancers, the best troupes, the best impressionists, the best farters, the nuttiest acrobats, the bluntest comedians and the most mental magicians. It's a TALENT SHOW!! It's the only talent show where the contestants go STRAIGHT to the main judges (Simon Cowell et al) rather than being vetted by pre-judges. Yes, there are sob stories involved, but these are found out after the judges have seen their talent (similar to what the Voice TRIES to achieve).and the different talents mean that public votes aren't swayed by these stories.

     It's about what entertains the british public on a saturday night AND it doesn't pretend to be different. It just IS and doesn't shout about it. Something mere singing contests have long-failed to do. And it gives us Ant and Dec! Just get Holly on there and what more could one ask for?

So we've been relegated to Division 1......Kean Rant No#2.....

     Today's press conference has proved yet again (as if further proof were needed) that Steve Kean, even in the wake of his team's relegation, is a man lacking in tact, principles, integrity and, yes, even dignity. He is not a serious man. He is not a professional man. The cold facts on which his reputation is truly based - his record - would suggest that he isn't even a football man. His job performance has been atrocious, his leadership just as bad. His ability to inspire and to carry out the basic functions of football management have been woefully exposed. It would appear that he cares not a jot about any of this.

     His craven, inept and borderline psychotic leadership have brought this once proud club to its knees. The owners are, of course just as complicit (if not more so), yet Kean has exploited their naivety, their ignorance and their indecisiveness for no other reason than to massage his bloated ego and to augment his equally swollen bank account.

     "I'm here for the long-term" he claims. Too fucking right he is. His financial future depends on this job. His name is in tatters, no matter what platitudes his fellow managers utter gleefully in the press, and from here on out there is not a lucid, right-thinking football executive in the country who will award this man with any authority beyond the bibs and cones.

     To portray him as a lunatic is to give him too much credit. He is nothing but a common trickster, a fraudulent excuse for a professional in an outfit now shorn of all professionalism. His refusal to accept blame, to admit his mistakes, to even acknowledge the reality of the situation may indeed smack of deep-rooted psychological maladies yet I find it far easier to accept that he is simply an utter charlatan who, along with a perfect storm of fellow criminals, has cynically brought about the destruction of an institution beloved by many but treated by those who make the decisions as nothing more than a casual experiment, a mere plaything. Indeed, they look to be attempting to bring one of the very cornerstones of the sport of football to an end.

     Kean, the owners, Jerome Anderson, Paul Agnew - with the willing co-operation of their enablers in the national press - have caused this chaos ostensibly to increase their personal wealth but, depressingly, simply because they could. What's perhaps most tragic is that the people who saw this coming, the supporters, are the only ones with the passion and willingness to right this wrong. These are fans that have never before shown a moment's disquiet, even under the piss-poor tenures of Brian Kidd and Paul Ince. Yet it would appear that they are the most powerless element in this otherwise sordid affair. The only way that they have been able to voice their concerns, to demonstrate their anger, has led to them being castigated and, ultimately, rendered apparently irrelevant.

International Affairs: 19/04/2012

Austria:

     This is a sad day for people with a slightly puerile sense of humour, such as myself. The residents of the charming little town of Fucking have decided it's time for a change. They're apparently sick of being an international laughing stock and having their road signs nabbed by sniggering tourists.
     That's the problem with Austria; no sense of humour. As a consequence, I've cancelled my summer holibobs there. No fun going to a place with an ordinary Austrian name like Hitler, or Little-Girl-Locked-In-A-Cellar. I shall instead visit the Shetland Islands and stay in a town called Twatt.

Sweden:

     A strange lot, are the Swedes. Let's examine their government's publicity stunt to raise awareness of the very serious problem of female circumcision (which is still practised by some barbaric immigrants in the country).
     Anyway, in front of all the cameras and reporters, one of Sweden's top politicians approached a life-size cake of a naked black woman, sliced out the cake's naughty parts with a big knife and scoffed the lot in one go......while the cake screamed buttercream-y murder! The cake's head was actually an artist dressed up to resemble a grotesque parody of a black woman (dressed as a golliwog - by which I mean the adorable children's toys, PC Brigade. Calm yourselves).
     The government is now trying to distance itself from the 'surprising' accusations of racism. To be honest, that's the least of their worries. Odd people. I reckon it's those long, dark winter nights with only pickled herring for company which sends them a little up-the-wall.

Spain:

     What sort of holiday would you expect to be taken by a president of the World Wildlife Fund? King Juan Carlos of Spain -please, be more specific with your stereotypes(!)- decided to take off for a couple of weeks to Botswana.....where he shot some elephants. Who knows, maybe just 'shot-to-wound'?
     He's now apologised for this indiscretion. Not because of the poor creatures he shot -as if the Spanish public really give a paella about stuff like that- but because it was an expensive trip and the rest of his countrymen are skint. At least he apologised, I guess. That makes him better than any of our MP's. Meanwhile, we should keep tabs on the various WWF patrons, to see if they spend any of their downtime strangling snow leopards or stamping on otters etc.

Wales:

     Rugby player Chris Berch suffered a stroke and apparently 'woke up gay'. Now he has a very gay haircut and  has been pictured holding a hairdryer in a very gay way. Good on him, I say. I hope he's happy, as usually a stroke results in loss or restriction of speech, memory or movement - rather like the England rugby team. Nice to know it can happen the other way round :)

Back home in beautiful England:

     The olympics are 99 days away, but the first gold medal has already been won! By the health and safety jobsworths at Weyouth and Portland Council.
     Mark Anderson (a sand artist commissioned by the London 2012 Organising Committee) took four days to create a 6ft high, 13ft long sandcastle on the beach where this summer's sailing events will take place.The media had been invited to take publicity photo's and the local public dashed down to have a gander.
     However, the council decided, in their infinite wisdom, to bulldoze the fort for fear it could collapse and injure someone. The alternative was to fence it off, but that would have been expensive, as security would have to be put in place. Tossers. Just leave it there! Locals have furiously labelled it a waste of time and money, and rightly so!
     What next? A high-vis vest for Usain Bolt? Cardboard javelins? A risk assessment before anyone dives into the Olympic swimming pool? Competitors in the shooting may as well go home too (the London rioters thought their talents had finally been harnessed; what a shame)!
     Can our country not just grow the hell up?

KONY 2012

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc&feature=player_embedded

The following information is taken from Wikipedia:

Joseph Rao Kony (born 1961 in Odek, Uganda) is a Ugandan guerrilla group leader, head of the Lord's Resistance Army (LRA), a group engaged in a violent campaign to establish theocratic government based on the Ten Commandments throughout Uganda. The LRA say that God has sent spirits to communicate this mission directly to Kony.

Directed by Kony, the LRA has earned a reputation for its actions against the people of several countries, including northern Uganda, the Democratic Republic of Congo, South Sudan and Sudan. It has abducted and forced an estimated 66,000 children to fight for them, and has also forced the internal displacement of over 2,000,000 people since its rebellion began in 1986. As a result, in 2005 Kony was indicted for war crimes by the International Criminal Court at the Hague, but has succeeded in evading capture since.

Lord's Resistance Army

Originally Kony's group was named the United Holy Salvation Army (UHSA) and was not perceived as a threat by the NRA. By 1988, with the accord between NRA and the Uganda People's Democratic Army and addition of its remnant troops as well as forced recruitment of children the United Holy Salvation Army was becoming a formidable resistance army. The bulk of his foot soldiers were children. Whilst estimates of the number of children conscripted since 1986 vary, some put the figure as high as 104,000. He often killed their family and neighbors when abducting these children, forcing them to fight for him. With these remnants of UPDA was commander Odong Latek, who convinced Kony to use standard military tactics as opposed to its previous attempts which involved attacking in cross-shaped formations and the use of holy water. The new tactics proved successful and the UHSA delivered several small but stinging defeats against the NRA. After these victories the NRA responded by significantly weakening Kony's group with political actions and a military campaign named Operation North. The operation was devastating to what would become the Lord's Resistance Army and with their number reduced from thousands to hundreds still engaged in retaliatory attacks on civilians and NRA collaborators.

By 1992, Kony had renamed the group the United Democratic Christian Army and it was at this time that they kidnapped 44 girls from the Sacred Heart Secondary and St. Mary's girls schools.

Betty Bigombe remembered that the first time she met Kony, his followers used oil to ward-off bullets and evil spirits.^[ In a letter regarding future talks, Kony stated that he must consult the Holy Spirit. When the talks did occur they insisted on participation of religious leaders and opened the proceedings with prayers led by LRA's Director of Religious Affairs Jenaro Bongomi. Finally, during the 1994 peace talks Kony appeared preceded by men in robes sprinkling holy water.

Joseph Kony was thought among followers and detractors alike to have been possessed by spirits; he has been portrayed as either the Messiah or the Devil. He reportedly made annual trips to the Ato Hills in Uganda. He would allegedly ascend to the highest of the hills and lie down in the hot sun for days. He would be covered by a blanket of red termites that slashed deeply into his skin. Oil from the Yao plant was spread over his body. Then he would enter a cave and stay in seclusion for weeks. Kony believes in the literal protection provided by a cross symbol and tells his child soldiers a cross on their chest drawn in oil would protect them from bullets. Kony insists that he and the Lord's Resistance Army are fighting for the Ten Commandments, defending his actions: "Is it bad? It is not against human rights. And that commandment was not given by Joseph. It was not given by LRA. No, those commandments were given by God."

The Ugandan military has attempted to kill Kony for most of the insurgency. Uganda's latest attempt towards tracking down Kony has been to enlist the help of former LRA combatants to search remote areas of the Central African Republic, the Sudan and the Democratic Republic of the Congo where he was last seen.

Indictment

On October 6, 2005, it was announced by the International Criminal Court (ICC) that arrest warrants had been issued for five members of the Lord's Resistance Army forcrimes against humanity following a sealed indictment. On the next day Ugandan defense minister Amama Mbabazi revealed that the warrants include Joseph Kony, his deputy Vincent Otti, and LRA commanders Raska Lukwiya, Okot Odiambo and Dominic Ongwen. According to spokesmen for the military, the Ugandan army killed Lukwiya on August 12, 2006.

A week later, on October 13, ICC Chief Prosecutor Luis Moreno Ocampo released details on Kony's indictment. There are 33 charges, 12 counts are crimes against humanity, which include murder, enslavement, sexual enslavement and rape. There are another 21 counts of war crimes which include murder, cruel treatment of civilians, intentionally directing an attack against a civilian population, pillaging, inducing rape, and forced enlisting of children into the rebel ranks. Ocampo said that "Kony was abducting girls to offer them as rewards to his commanders."

On July 31, 2006, Kony met with several cultural, political, and religious leaders from northern Uganda at his hideout in the Congolese forests to discuss the war. The following day, August 1, he crossed the border into Sudan to speak with Southern Sudan Vice President Riek Machar. Kony later told reporters that he would not be willing to stand trial at the ICC because he had not done anything wrong.

On November 12, 2006, Kony met Jan Egeland, the United Nations Undersecretary-General for humanitarian affairs and emergency relief. Kony told Reuters: "We don't have any children. We only have combatants."

U.S. action against Kony.

After the September 11th attacks, the United States declared the Lord's Resistance Army a terrorist group. On August 28, 2008, the United States Treasury Department placed Kony on its list of "Specially Designated Global Terrorists," a designation that carries financial and other penalties. It is not known whether Kony has any assets that are affected by this designation.

In May 2010, U.S. President Barack Obama signed into law the Lord's Resistance Army Disarmament and Northern Uganda Recovery Act, legislation aimed at stopping Kony and the LRA. The bill passed unanimously in the Senate on March 11, 2010 with 65 senators as cosponsors, then passed unanimously in the House of Representatives on May 13, 2010 with 202 representatives as cosponsors.

In November 2010, Obama delivered a strategy document to Congress, asking for more money to disarm Kony and the LRA.

In October 2011, Obama authorized the deployment of approximately 100 combat-equipped U.S. troops to central Africa. They will help regional forces “remove from the battlefield” Joseph Kony and senior LRA leaders. "Although the U.S. forces are combat-equipped, they will only be providing information, advice, and assistance to partner nation forces, and they will not themselves engage LRA forces unless necessary for self-defense," Obama said in a letter to Congress.

Please donate what you can to the cause outlined in the video above. Get Kony arrested. Buy a bracelet, or a t-shirt, or donate what you can:

http://invisiblechildrenstore.myshopify.com/collections/frontpage/products/konybracelet

The Premier League Bubble.........*POP*

     Is the Premier League bubble about to burst? For years, we've watched our top sides get themselves into more and more debt as they fight desperately to compete with the best in Europe. Ever more fantastical sums of money are paid for whining, petulant 'stars' from overseas on salaries that would make Sir (HAHA!!!!) Fred Goodwin blush.

     Fifty million quid for Fernando Torres? Thirty-five million for Andy Carroll? When it costs only £23million to buy my beloved Blackburn Rovers? Hell, I might pay Andy Carroll £35 a day to come over to my house and help around with chores. Vacuum the lounge, clear out the garage, clean up the dog mess - but to play football? Nahhhhhh. But it seems that the era of spend, spend, spend is about to come to an end (Hey, that rhymes)! In the most recent transfer window (January 2012), 'only' around £60million was spent on players (£30million on deadline day). Contrast that with £225million spent in January 2011 (£135million on deadline day). I think you see my point.

     Apparently, the tax authorities are going to investigate eight of our top clubs for financial irregularities - and about time too, although I fear my club may be one of them (Hey, I'm northern born and bred. We were breastfed pessimism). The only shock is that it's just eight, rather than the lot (not just Premier League clubs, but the big city clubs in lower leagues). This all follows the somewhat shameful business up in Scotland - where the top club (Glasgow Rangers) has gone into administration with a tax bill it cannot pay (allegedly £42million).

     Angry fans have been demanding the resignation of the board over this crap, but these are likely the same fans who moan when the club fails to sign Lionel Messi, Christiano Ronaldo, Pele, George Best or Jesus feckin Christ in the close season. The fans must share a portion of the blame, down here in England too (don't worry, I'll balance that out shortly).

     For too long, football at the highest level has been a house built upon some broken matchsticks dug into very very wet sand. Financed by debt - like the very worst of the mortgage companies in the credit crunch - and splashing out ever more lavish amounts of money for players who CANNOT hope to repay those sums on the pitch. The amounts are so ludicrous and surreal, nobody could ever hope to repay them.

     Here's the balance: The tax bills they run up are a disgrace. When they can't pay them, WE foot the bill. Not just the fans that pay money week in, week out for tickets, petrol, a match-day programme, a pie and a pint at half-time, but those among us who don't love the game. Would you like to pay a complete stranger's tax? Because that's what this is, but on a HUGE scale.

     It's about bloody time Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs got interested. I'll give it the full title because the Queen may be useless but she's a dear old biddy. Prince Charles is a Burnley fan and has ears like the handles on the Champions League trophy, but his eldest son's wife is FUCKING GORGEOUS, so they're forgiven. But while HMRC come down hard on the likes of you or me, they've been something of a soft touch when it comes to football clubs (or banks or Abu Qatada or basta- sorry, MP's).

     Have a gander at Portsmouth FC (who have just entered administration for the second time in two years, with a £4million tax bill). Everyone seems to think it perfectly fine that they continue to buy average players at inflated rates and go bust every couple years as a consequence! Only the taxpayers and local businesses end up footing the bill for this 'ambition' (AKA: Greed and contempt for the public that pays them a LOT of money in a poor economic climate). That has to stop. NOW!

     With any luck, this latest investigation might be the golf-club-strike-to-the-bollocks that our clubs needed all along. Especially the ones run by dubious foreigners as a sort of vanity project, like having a large yacht - or in the case of Venkys (Blackburn Rovers owners), a massive poultry farm.

     Football clubs are at the heart of their communities. Certainly, if my club were to find itself in masses of debt, owing tax and going under, the town of Blackburn will suffer massively. An already tiny fanbase, from a catchment area that includes the likes of Manchester United and Liverpool, will be left isolated. The town is in a bad way in economic terms. Only the revenue streams via having a Premier League football club keeps the town on a decent footing. No club could mean no more Blackburn as we know it. From it's cotton mills at the very heart of the Industrial Revolution to a comparative wasteland. All because some Indian cowboys couldn't hack it. The community stance can be hard to understand for many fans of big clubs. Particularly Chelsea, who are owned by a Russian, managed by a Portuguese bloke and with scarcely an Englishman in sight on the pitch (at least a non-racist one, or one that doesn't shoot interns at training sessions).

     It's time that football clubs began to live within their means and pay their debts. They also need to take a bit more bloody notice of the fans who turn out to watch them every week, rather than focusing on those who sit glued to their TV screens. And have a bit more bloody respect for the people who must foot the bill for something they've never had a passion for.

Some minor 'abroad' complaints:

There's no end to the brilliance of the Hollywood actor (or actress/hermaphrodite) is there? Not content with lighting up all our lives with their marvellous ability to fake tears or have other people do their stunts (See Keira Knightley a little later), they are also happy to solve the world's political problems :)
     For example, let us look at the American weasel-faced halfwit (also known as Sean Penn), who thinks we Brits should give the Falklands back to the Argies. Simpering around the Argentine president Christina Kirchner, he said that Britain's 'colonial' occupation of the islands is 'ludicrous' and 'archaic'. Good for you sunshine, you learnt some posh words.
     However, he failed to mention anything to the sabre-rattling old bat about Argentina's genocidal attitude (and actions) towards its Indian population. Nor (as far as my mortal mind is aware), is he planning on handing back his vast Malibu estate - built upon land which the colonialist Yankee-Doodles nicked from Mexico.
     I think we should gather Oscar De La Hoya, the Guerrero wrestling family, Alberto Del Rio, Rey Mysterio, the Mexican football team and Caeser Millan (all the Mexicans I can think of at the moment) to liberate the place. preferably with Mr Penn still in it. (Next week - Charlie Sheen sorts out the Middle East, while Paris Hilton gives her views on the Euro.)

     Now, Keira Knightley......what is wrong with her bottom? Now, while not to my taste, she IS attractive. But the actress recently confided to Jonathan Woss that while she is perfectly happy to get her mammaries out when filming, she always uses a body-double for scenes which involve her derrière.
     Various anonymous women are brought to the film set and Keira inspects their bottoms. She then picks the one she likes the best, apparently.
     My contacts within the film industry tell me, worringly, that all this happens because Keira's own bum is rather odd. The problem is that she has several buttocks, rather than the customary two. When I asked how many, I was told that it can vary between 5 and 8. During the filming of Atonement, 7 appeared out of nowhere apparently. Whether this is true or not, I have no idea. But we have a right to be told!!!

     I'm gunna come back home now:

More from our long-running soap opera - 'We're all in this together' (Part 99, starring our Government). The MP's who work in the rather swish-sounding Portcullis House, in Westminster, have just spent half-a-million quid of our money on a VERY good cause. They are renting fig trees for their atrium.
     I bet you had no idea you could rent fig trees, did you? Well, I'm afraid that's why your atrium (to be frank) looks shit. There's nothing worse than a bare atrium, as any jumped-up interior designer will tell you.
     You need something like exotic trees or perhaps a stuffed woolly mammoth to fill out the space a bit. You've probably just got a hatstand, a radiator and pictures of family and/or friends in your atrium. Mugs, you lot are. Get yourself down to the fig tree rental centre, sharpish! A couple of dozen will only set you back a million or so!

Made Me Chuckle (10)

In a run-down part of East London recently, a fire destroyed a dilapidated four storey house that had been divided into four flats.

A Nigerian family of six internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished in the fire.

A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they too, all perished in the fire.

Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free occupied the 3rd floor and they too, died.

And one middle aged British white couple lived on the top floor. They miraculously survived the fire.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why were just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systematic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news. Boris Johnson - Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment would be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!

A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area and demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The chief fire officer quietly replied:-

"They were the only ones at work."

How did Sherlock (TV) survive?

"Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be true."

I do not believe that a mask/plastic surgery was used, nor do I believe that it was Moriarty or another corpse who was on the ground or thrown. That just isn't 'Sherlock' imo.

We can clearly see that Sherlock was the one stood on the ledge and it is the same Sherlock who jumps. Moriarty was laid prone on the rooftop of St. Bart's. I'm of the suspicion that Moriarty remains alive somehow (no idea how, though). Like all great Heroes and Villains, Sherlock and Moriarty live for the existence of the other. Anyway, onto Sherlock......

1. Note that Watson did not see the impact of the fall ,as Sherlock begged him to stay where he was (Specifically: 'Keep your eyes fixed on me'). I suspect that Sherlock jumped into the rubbish truck which was immediately beside where he 'landed'. From a height of 60-odd feet, he would be travelling at 43mph as he hit the ground. That impact cannot be survivable on concrete. However a shorter fall onto a big heap of rubbish bags? Easily survivable. Also, Sherlock was laid at a different angle to that at which he was falling - almost perpendicular. Yet parallel to the truck, had he rolled off it.

2. It takes an age for Watson to reach the body, as he is disoriented by a collision with a cyclist. I suspect that the cyclist was one of Sherlock's Homeless Network employed to daze Watson. Sherlock could easily have landed in the rubbish truck and rolled to reposition himself on the ground. Similarly, I believe that the people who quickly surround Sherlock are also part of the Homeless Network; a ploy to further delay Watson reaching him.

3. Sherlock, earlier, had a 'moment' with Molly, the girl in the morgue who fancies him like mad. Sherlock tells Molly that she is very important to him, and it is evident that she'd do anything for him. She could easily supply some blood (real or otherwise) and then interfere with autopsy reports etc. It could even be that Molly was positioned below as Sherlock jumped, to supply this blood.

4. Watson feels for Sherlock's pulse, which doesn't seem to be there. HOW do you stop a pulse? Well, Sherlock was playing with a squash-ball earlier in the episode. If you place a squash-ball under the armpit, you can stop a pulse in the wrist from being felt. Another way of stopping the pulse would be the consumption of rhododendron (the flower found on the kidnapper's shoe, earlier in the episode - so Sherlock would've had some in his possession).

5. Mycroft's ambivalence to his brother's death suggests to me that he too (as well as Molly) was in on what Sherlock was planning (in spite of their fiery relationship). It was Mycroft that 'unwittingly' gave some of Sherlock's life secrets to Moriarty. This may have been part of the plan to convince Watson that Sherlock really was dead. Also, Mycroft could play a part in document forgery (with regards to the autopsy by Molly).

6. I believe that Watson HAD to believe Sherlock was dead in order that everyone else believe's it. Sherlock's closest companion is the one who 'would truly know' after all. Also, Sherlock knows Watson's 'human' mannerisms and would know that Watson would really believe that his friend was dead.
Sherlock is alive and I think the above provides a good explanation as to how he did it. HOWEVER.......other worthy notes:

- Watson keeping his eyes fixed on Sherlock meant he didn't see the moment of impact. This is the argument I use for 'landing in the truck and rolling onto the ground', but who's to say that Molly wasn't also waiting below with blood - having had previous instruction from Sherlock, along with the Homeless Network.


- The high-pitched noise we hear as Watson is disoriented is similar to the noise we hear regularly throughout the 'Hound of Baskervilles' episode; could his disorientation be caused by that same drug/fear stimulant? Perhaps the drug was issued somehow by the passing cyclist? The Sun blocking his eyes has the same blinding effect as when the lights were turned on in the lab in HoB, after taking that drug.

- The rubbish truck drives away after the body 'lands'. Is Sherlock on the ground? Or has he been carried off? The body on the ground could be PERCEIVED to be Sherlock by Watson if he'd taken that fear-stimulant drug. They saw the hound 'because they expected to see it'. Maybe Watson (and the audience) saw Sherlock's body in a similar way - expected to see him dead? I don't believe this is very 'Sherlock' but is perfectly possible and fairly simple.

- Sherlock asked Moriarty for 'privacy'......was this so that the 'Molly' set-up could occur without Moriarty's knowledge? Once set-up, Sherlock could turn to Moriarty with the 'as long as you're alive' story, knowing Moriarty would be insane enough to kill himself.

- 'Keep your eyes fixed on me' kept Watson standing where he was. Crucially, this may have restricted the view of the sniper too. Perhaps causing the sniper to only see Sherlock's fall and not the impact.

It's my opinion that Sherlock provoked Moriarty into this set-up, and pulled it off remarkably well.

EDIT! Some thoughts.

Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss have stuck remarkably well to the book narrative. That suggests to me that Moriarty will somehow have fallen from the roof WITH Sherlock (unless it is metaphorical, given he's shot himself).

Also, before Sherlock reappears, Mycroft has Mrs Hudson rearrange a dummy of Sherlock 20/30 times a day in the window of 221B Baker St, in order to fool further enemies (Moriarty henchmen?).

Made Me Chuckle (9)

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a gorgeous bird wave at him and say hello. He´s rather taken aback because he can´t place where he knows her from. So he says "Do you know me?" 

To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids" 

Stunned, his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says "My God are you the stripper from my stag party that I banged over the pool table wth all my mates watching, while your partner whipped my arse with wet celery ????" 

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, " No, I'm your son´s Maths teacher"

I think I've had it.

I'm struggling to love football like I used to. The goings on at Blackburn Rovers (the club close to my heart) have tipped me over the edge. I'll not be buying a Season Ticket next season, regardless of league, manager, players or ownership. Venkys have run that club into the ground, costing the jobs of very notable and respected people in their fields. But the general problems in football have hit me like a brick today.

These players are earning ridiculous amounts of money (and that's LAST year)! These people are earning money per week that 99.9999% of the world's population will never see in a lifetime's work. £250,000 per week for kicking a ball into a net? For breaking peoples legs? For conning referees? For  spitting at players? For having an affair while the missus is pregnant? For fucking your brother's wife? For assaulting people outside McDonald's and sticking cigar's into people's eyes? For shooting interns? Why should I contribute to the living these tossers make, when they can't even act as role models? They are heroes for many! The one player I continue to admire is Zinedine Zidane, which makes me a hypocrite, but sod that!

Give that money to people who risk their own lives and/or save the lives of others: Members of HM Armed Forces, Doctors, Nurses, Surgeons, Paramedics, Firemen, Policemen. Better yet, donate half of it to worthy charities. What's £125,000 per week less going to mean to a man who 'earns' £250,000 a week??? He'd still take home about £80,000 a week (assuming after-tax figures, as I can't be arsed doing the maths).

These people can't even negotiate wage terms for themselves. No, they have to rely on slimy buggers to do it for them. These 'agents' then go and con money out of a club, which hard-working customers have paid to watch a sport on a weekend. Not only that, but the clubs WILLINGLY pay them this money!!!

No wonder the level of 'debt' clubs accrue is spiralling out of control. This money is being spent on ridiculous wages and even more ridiculous transfer fees. Chelsea paid Liverpool  £50 million to acquire Fernando Torres. Torres will 'earn' more than that amount over the length of his 5.5-year contract (which has 4.5 years left to run). The man will have cost over £100million to score (at the time of writing) 3 goals!!!! That is stupid. It is so fucking ridiculous, that even an epic face-palm will not cover it.

That money should remain in the hands of the people who REALLY earned it. Failing that, give it to those who deserve it (as mentioned above). Football used to be a working class sport. Now it's a worldwide business. I may love watching the game, but the sooner it collapses, the better.

Life is Backwards, surely?

You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go and collect your pension for a few years, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You retire to University, drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for secondary school. You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm. 

Made Me Chuckle (8)

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?" 

Made Me Chuckle (7)

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.Still, nobody says a word.So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still,total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes!"

Made Me Chuckle (6)

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again! You're in my cupboard now!"

Made Me Chuckle (5)

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, "Where have you been?" God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made" said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued pointing to the different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?" "Ah," said God "that's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers, comedians and politicians.

The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!" God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South!" 

A small complaint about trains......

So, I park my car on the free car-park outside Blackburn Station to catch the train. Although you have to get there early (about 7:30am), as if it's full, the only other spaces are for the connected Vue Cinema, which are 4-hour maximum stays. It's never full (even on Orange Wednesdays) but the traffic wombles are happy to write out a ticket and pop it on the windscreen at every opportunity.

Anyway, the next leg is to buy a ticket. This is easy enough. Take out the required price (£5.40) for a return journey (Blackburn to Preston and back) and hand it to the bloke behind the glass through the slidey metal thingy. Sometimes you don't have the cash, so you have to pay by card. Sometimes the card machine won't work properly, so you have to do the whole 'sign a receipt' deal that was obsolete about 5years ago.
That's IF there isn't a long queue to the ticket office. The train (at this point) will decide whether to be on-time (when you're being forced to be late by the inept ticket-office guys, who sometimes just pull a shutter down and ignore us) or be delayed, causing us to freeze on the platform and be late further down the line.

The train has come on time, but I'm unable to buy a ticket. So I get on the train with the full intention of paying. When the ticket bloke comes out from the front cab, he wobbles his way skilfully down the aisle checking tickets. He threatens me with police arrest for not buying a ticket at the platform (but inevitably let's me off because he can't be arsed with the paperwork). The way to deal with people who travel for free is simple: Give ticket-guys (and citizens on the train) power of arrest in such a situation. Simple as that. No-nonsense. Example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgBxygQDud8 

Railway companies are now mostly owned by ludicrously-high-profit-chasing (and ludicrously-high-profit making) companies who still expect the state to pay for any of it's own shortfalls with tax revenues. We (the public) barely notice anymore that the expensive and unprofitable maintenance of a crumbling infrastructure is funded by the state; whereas the lucrative business of charging someone a 3-figure sum (for having the temerity to wait until the day of travel to decide where to go) is done by sharkish private companies. It's like an airline over-filling a plane with passengers and then asking the Government to supply extra air!
The issue of far-too-high pricing is exacerbated by the fact that if you break up a journey into smaller journeys by buying (for example) a ticket from Manchester to Wolverhampton, then Wolverhampton to London (rather than directly from Manchester to London), it's much cheaper! Savings of around £30 can be made for exactly the same journey! So why is the smaller price not immediately offered as the total price? It's extortionate and it's wrong.

Now for the issue of the carriages themselves. The carriages on trains on journeys that travel about 50miles or more are generally quite nice. But the local-journey carriages are knackered! They're like buses that have lost their wheels and been forced to go on the rails (or indeed off them at times) and have let themselves go. Graffiti all over the so-called 'graffiti-proof' glass. Sliding toilet doors that slide open (whether locked or not) while you're having a satisfying dump. Food and drink stains all over the floors and knife-slashed seats. Occasionally there'll be spit marks too (at least I HOPE it's spit, rather than my suspicion that there have been some randy homeless people on the last train of each day).

It's even more annoying that the private companies that own railway networks (which are actually local monopolies) pretend that they're a free option. Instead of employing a PR firm to come up with a catchy slogan enticing us to travel with them, why not spend that money on CLEANING THE CARRIAGES??? Honestly we don't care about your firm; it's not like we can pick a different train firm to travel with when it comes to local journeys! A slogan on a paper cup of coffee will not lead me to associate the excellence of your coffee with the speed or efficiency at which you plan to take me from Blackburn to Preston. In any case, the reason I travel to Preston from Blackburn is to go to University. It has nothing to do with either the excellence of your coffee, nor how persuasive your slogan is. As if having a snappier slogan or better coffee would cause me to abandon my Psychology course to randomly travel on a Virgin train to Edinburgh!

Now for over-crowding. It's not THAT bad in my opinion. There are usually enough seats for everyone, with standing space too. The only complaint I would have is that all the standing space is by that little door where the ticket-guy comes out; where the luggage rack and bike-space is. That means that anyone standing is likely to have a door-handle rammed into their back, have their foot trampled by an non-secured bike or be crushed by luggage that is heavy and a little too highly placed. It's when you're packed in like sardines that you're actually safest, although it can get very hot and bothered.

Which brings me onto unattended luggage. Unattended luggage itself doesn't bother me. Nobody wants to put a bomb on a train from Blackburn to Preston, surely? Maybe a Burnley fan, but the 6^th finger would get in the way of the trigger. What annoys me is the announcement which bellows 'Please do not leave your luggage unattended', then followed by (at all stops) 'Please remember to take your stuff with you'.

Occasionally, when staying somewhere, we need to take stuff with us. This is why it annoys me when people look at me with contempt for daring to bring a suitcase onto an already hot and over-crowded train. I therefore leave my suitcase in that space at the end of the carriage, before wandering off to find a seat. Then comes that announcement (as I said before) 'Please don't leave luggage unattended at any time.' WHAT?? So what am I expected to do with this big bag of clothes, university notes, some books, toiletries and bits of electronic equipment that weighs about the same as me? Shall I perch it on my lap? Shall I wedge a corner of it into the inadequate little poor excuse for a shelf above me? Shall I leave it in the aisle for other passengers (and the ticket-guy) to clamber over? No. What they expect me to do, is exactly what I have done and leave it t the end of the carriage. They know I HAVE to do that, which means that they cannot stop it being stolen. They have reduced (cut off completely) their liability should anything happen to my stuff while I'm sat down. They are covering their own arses by asking me to do something which they have made impossible to do! They can then make out that any consequences are my fault entirely. Tossers.

Finally, I do believe that trains are under-funded. This is not the fault of the Government, but the companies that refuse to subsidise at least SOME of their massive profits back to Joe Public/ passengers/ customers/ suckers. The fact that the Government has to unnecessarily fork out on railways leads me to conclude that they are well within their rights treat it like an elderly relative who won't do the decent thing and die. It's a shame, but the Government's money is better spent elsewhere (healthcare, education etc). The only way our trains will be as good as the French/German/Japanese services (yes, I mean that) is if the companies that run our railways are prepared to give back say 10% of their £438million profits. Yes, those are their PROFITS, after every other cost is accounted for. Greedy bastards!