Thursday, 19 April 2012

International Affairs: 19/04/2012


     This is a sad day for people with a slightly puerile sense of humour, such as myself. The residents of the charming little town of Fucking have decided it's time for a change. They're apparently sick of being an international laughing stock and having their road signs nabbed by sniggering tourists.
     That's the problem with Austria; no sense of humour. As a consequence, I've cancelled my summer holibobs there. No fun going to a place with an ordinary Austrian name like Hitler, or Little-Girl-Locked-In-A-Cellar. I shall instead visit the Shetland Islands and stay in a town called Twatt.


     A strange lot, are the Swedes. Let's examine their government's publicity stunt to raise awareness of the very serious problem of female circumcision (which is still practised by some barbaric immigrants in the country).
     Anyway, in front of all the cameras and reporters, one of Sweden's top politicians approached a life-size cake of a naked black woman, sliced out the cake's naughty parts with a big knife and scoffed the lot in one go......while the cake screamed buttercream-y murder! The cake's head was actually an artist dressed up to resemble a grotesque parody of a black woman (dressed as a golliwog - by which I mean the adorable children's toys, PC Brigade. Calm yourselves).
     The government is now trying to distance itself from the 'surprising' accusations of racism. To be honest, that's the least of their worries. Odd people. I reckon it's those long, dark winter nights with only pickled herring for company which sends them a little up-the-wall.


     What sort of holiday would you expect to be taken by a president of the World Wildlife Fund? King Juan Carlos of Spain -please, be more specific with your stereotypes(!)- decided to take off for a couple of weeks to Botswana.....where he shot some elephants. Who knows, maybe just 'shot-to-wound'?
     He's now apologised for this indiscretion. Not because of the poor creatures he shot -as if the Spanish public really give a paella about stuff like that- but because it was an expensive trip and the rest of his countrymen are skint. At least he apologised, I guess. That makes him better than any of our MP's. Meanwhile, we should keep tabs on the various WWF patrons, to see if they spend any of their downtime strangling snow leopards or stamping on otters etc.


     Rugby player Chris Berch suffered a stroke and apparently 'woke up gay'. Now he has a very gay haircut and  has been pictured holding a hairdryer in a very gay way. Good on him, I say. I hope he's happy, as usually a stroke results in loss or restriction of speech, memory or movement - rather like the England rugby team. Nice to know it can happen the other way round :)

Back home in beautiful England:

     The olympics are 99 days away, but the first gold medal has already been won! By the health and safety jobsworths at Weyouth and Portland Council.
     Mark Anderson (a sand artist commissioned by the London 2012 Organising Committee) took four days to create a 6ft high, 13ft long sandcastle on the beach where this summer's sailing events will take place.The media had been invited to take publicity photo's and the local public dashed down to have a gander.
     However, the council decided, in their infinite wisdom, to bulldoze the fort for fear it could collapse and injure someone. The alternative was to fence it off, but that would have been expensive, as security would have to be put in place. Tossers. Just leave it there! Locals have furiously labelled it a waste of time and money, and rightly so!
     What next? A high-vis vest for Usain Bolt? Cardboard javelins? A risk assessment before anyone dives into the Olympic swimming pool? Competitors in the shooting may as well go home too (the London rioters thought their talents had finally been harnessed; what a shame)!
     Can our country not just grow the hell up?

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