Thursday, 17 May 2012

Deaf rant about The Voice.....

     The Voice UK lost another few good singers in recent shows, and some 2 million viewers as well. The show dipped to a series low of 6.6 million a week ago, and the format of the live shows is getting bloody annoying.

     It goes like this: Each week, the contestants compete in teams, competing against the other artists in their team to make the next round. It means that, by the final, each coach has one act present. But is it the best way to go about eliminations?

     The gimmick seems to go against the whole idea of a talent show purely about 'The Voice'.

     How can be it about the voice when the eliminations are based on arbitrary groups like the teams? The problem was apparent this week more than ever. If we were to rank the 10 performers, in a similar fashion to The X Factor, many of Team Jessie would’ve come bottom. In public polls, three of Jessie’s singers – Ruth, Cassius and Toni – were all less popular than Danny’s least most popular act, Hannah.

     Yet the format meant we lost Hannah, despite her voice being better (at least deemed by the public, and certainly in my view as well) than some of the other contestants who survived. The “everyone’s a winner” attitude to the coaches means that talent is sacrificed in favour of simply giving the well-paid stars something to do in the final.

     Now of course, a format like The X Factor could not be used, if only due to the legal issues, but perhaps a compromise could be made. Instead of requiring that one from each team go each week, simply specify the amount of contestants who have to leave, regardless of their team.

     That’d mean that Sunday’s show could have seen Ruth and Toni both go home from Team Jessie, while Hannah survived. When a coach has only one act left, they are then immune from elimination until the final. 
It’s not a perfect solution, but what it will do is give us all a chance to see more of the more popular talent and better voices, give the artists a bigger platform to launch themselves and, ultimately, make a more entertaining show. Hannah was eliminated over two artists who, according to polls at least, viewers want to see less.

     But the elimination process is just one of a number gripes I have about this show.

     It is NOT about the voice! The show itself is a gimmick. A bald girl with a pretty poor voice goes through to the poorly thought-out 'battle rounds' ahead of someone with a stunning voice(although I forget their names). So it ISN'T about the voice, it's (in this instance) about 'going the other way'. It's a back-handed compliment to a girl with alopecia just because she has a decent cabaret voice. “You're bald but we'll put you through to show we don't care about looks!” (and achieve the polar opposite of what we want).

     The swivelling chairs.....I want one. But they aren't a decent way of ensuring it's 'all about the voice'. If it WAS all about the voice, the judges would be segregated in booths so they can't see who buzzes in (to 'like' the act, in facebook lingo). Desperate Danny and JessexJ only ever seem to buzz in when Sir Tom Jones and I.Am.Will buzz in.

     The judges themselves. Here we go. Sir Tom Jones is a legend and has every right to be a judge. Multiple hit singles/albums, shows in Las Vegas and a knighthood prove that. But the others?

     As far as I'm aware, JessexJ is basically a younger Jade Goody with a fuck-ton of make-up on and 2 singles (one of which -Pricetag- was both good and shit in one go). As much as I would love to 'give her one', she's 23 and has nowhere near 'made it' as a pop star yet. She has no right to judge, although she admittedly has her head screwed on. She's eye-candy for us males (which is obsolete now that Holly Willoughbooby's milk jugs are practically on show every week).

     Desperate Danny 'Oim an Oirushman' O'Donoghue.......*sigh*. I'm a fan of The Script and LOVE a lot of their music. But who the fuck is he? He needs to stopped headbanging like a fecking pidgeon and continually fist-pumping (he also has impressive forearms, so to call him a wanker might just be an expression of fact on that evidence) before I take him seriously. And he needs to stop playing up to the Irish stereotype, as he will never surpass Dara O'Briain. He's just one step away from becoming BOTH Paddy and Murphy in the well-known jokes.

     Now we come to 'dope' I.Am.Will (as much as you look like Yoda, don't pretend you ARE him). He's hilarious (very genuinely) and I actually like the guy. He's an agent/manager so actually has a right to judge the singers. But only the Lord knows why he's sat there in his own clothing range. I appreciate he's trying to promote his stuff, but he looks like a colourblind power ranger with the dodgiest afro you ever saw.

     'The Voice is different!' fans proclaim! No, you're very wrong, you imbeciles. It isn't different, it's just the newest show. It's the same as PopIdol, X-factor, AmericanIdol, US X-factor etc etc etc. It's all looks and sob stories and never about the talent!
It’s no wonder ratings are decline.

     The only show that is about talent is (the clue's in the name) Britain's Got Talent. It isn't about the best looking singer but simply the BEST singer. Look at Susan Boyle and Paul Potts (unfortunate name, mate). Feck ugly but STUNNING voices and millionaires now!! And neither of them were 'potential pop stars'.

     But BGT does more than that, it gives us the best dancers, the best troupes, the best impressionists, the best farters, the nuttiest acrobats, the bluntest comedians and the most mental magicians. It's a TALENT SHOW!! It's the only talent show where the contestants go STRAIGHT to the main judges (Simon Cowell et al) rather than being vetted by pre-judges. Yes, there are sob stories involved, but these are found out after the judges have seen their talent (similar to what the Voice TRIES to achieve).and the different talents mean that public votes aren't swayed by these stories.

     It's about what entertains the british public on a saturday night AND it doesn't pretend to be different. It just IS and doesn't shout about it. Something mere singing contests have long-failed to do. And it gives us Ant and Dec! Just get Holly on there and what more could one ask for?

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