The Premier League Bubble.........*POP*

     Is the Premier League bubble about to burst? For years, we've watched our top sides get themselves into more and more debt as they fight desperately to compete with the best in Europe. Ever more fantastical sums of money are paid for whining, petulant 'stars' from overseas on salaries that would make Sir (HAHA!!!!) Fred Goodwin blush.

     Fifty million quid for Fernando Torres? Thirty-five million for Andy Carroll? When it costs only £23million to buy my beloved Blackburn Rovers? Hell, I might pay Andy Carroll £35 a day to come over to my house and help around with chores. Vacuum the lounge, clear out the garage, clean up the dog mess - but to play football? Nahhhhhh. But it seems that the era of spend, spend, spend is about to come to an end (Hey, that rhymes)! In the most recent transfer window (January 2012), 'only' around £60million was spent on players (£30million on deadline day). Contrast that with £225million spent in January 2011 (£135million on deadline day). I think you see my point.

     Apparently, the tax authorities are going to investigate eight of our top clubs for financial irregularities - and about time too, although I fear my club may be one of them (Hey, I'm northern born and bred. We were breastfed pessimism). The only shock is that it's just eight, rather than the lot (not just Premier League clubs, but the big city clubs in lower leagues). This all follows the somewhat shameful business up in Scotland - where the top club (Glasgow Rangers) has gone into administration with a tax bill it cannot pay (allegedly £42million).

     Angry fans have been demanding the resignation of the board over this crap, but these are likely the same fans who moan when the club fails to sign Lionel Messi, Christiano Ronaldo, Pele, George Best or Jesus feckin Christ in the close season. The fans must share a portion of the blame, down here in England too (don't worry, I'll balance that out shortly).

     For too long, football at the highest level has been a house built upon some broken matchsticks dug into very very wet sand. Financed by debt - like the very worst of the mortgage companies in the credit crunch - and splashing out ever more lavish amounts of money for players who CANNOT hope to repay those sums on the pitch. The amounts are so ludicrous and surreal, nobody could ever hope to repay them.

     Here's the balance: The tax bills they run up are a disgrace. When they can't pay them, WE foot the bill. Not just the fans that pay money week in, week out for tickets, petrol, a match-day programme, a pie and a pint at half-time, but those among us who don't love the game. Would you like to pay a complete stranger's tax? Because that's what this is, but on a HUGE scale.

     It's about bloody time Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs got interested. I'll give it the full title because the Queen may be useless but she's a dear old biddy. Prince Charles is a Burnley fan and has ears like the handles on the Champions League trophy, but his eldest son's wife is FUCKING GORGEOUS, so they're forgiven. But while HMRC come down hard on the likes of you or me, they've been something of a soft touch when it comes to football clubs (or banks or Abu Qatada or basta- sorry, MP's).

     Have a gander at Portsmouth FC (who have just entered administration for the second time in two years, with a £4million tax bill). Everyone seems to think it perfectly fine that they continue to buy average players at inflated rates and go bust every couple years as a consequence! Only the taxpayers and local businesses end up footing the bill for this 'ambition' (AKA: Greed and contempt for the public that pays them a LOT of money in a poor economic climate). That has to stop. NOW!

     With any luck, this latest investigation might be the golf-club-strike-to-the-bollocks that our clubs needed all along. Especially the ones run by dubious foreigners as a sort of vanity project, like having a large yacht - or in the case of Venkys (Blackburn Rovers owners), a massive poultry farm.

     Football clubs are at the heart of their communities. Certainly, if my club were to find itself in masses of debt, owing tax and going under, the town of Blackburn will suffer massively. An already tiny fanbase, from a catchment area that includes the likes of Manchester United and Liverpool, will be left isolated. The town is in a bad way in economic terms. Only the revenue streams via having a Premier League football club keeps the town on a decent footing. No club could mean no more Blackburn as we know it. From it's cotton mills at the very heart of the Industrial Revolution to a comparative wasteland. All because some Indian cowboys couldn't hack it. The community stance can be hard to understand for many fans of big clubs. Particularly Chelsea, who are owned by a Russian, managed by a Portuguese bloke and with scarcely an Englishman in sight on the pitch (at least a non-racist one, or one that doesn't shoot interns at training sessions).

     It's time that football clubs began to live within their means and pay their debts. They also need to take a bit more bloody notice of the fans who turn out to watch them every week, rather than focusing on those who sit glued to their TV screens. And have a bit more bloody respect for the people who must foot the bill for something they've never had a passion for.

Some minor 'abroad' complaints:

There's no end to the brilliance of the Hollywood actor (or actress/hermaphrodite) is there? Not content with lighting up all our lives with their marvellous ability to fake tears or have other people do their stunts (See Keira Knightley a little later), they are also happy to solve the world's political problems :)
     For example, let us look at the American weasel-faced halfwit (also known as Sean Penn), who thinks we Brits should give the Falklands back to the Argies. Simpering around the Argentine president Christina Kirchner, he said that Britain's 'colonial' occupation of the islands is 'ludicrous' and 'archaic'. Good for you sunshine, you learnt some posh words.
     However, he failed to mention anything to the sabre-rattling old bat about Argentina's genocidal attitude (and actions) towards its Indian population. Nor (as far as my mortal mind is aware), is he planning on handing back his vast Malibu estate - built upon land which the colonialist Yankee-Doodles nicked from Mexico.
     I think we should gather Oscar De La Hoya, the Guerrero wrestling family, Alberto Del Rio, Rey Mysterio, the Mexican football team and Caeser Millan (all the Mexicans I can think of at the moment) to liberate the place. preferably with Mr Penn still in it. (Next week - Charlie Sheen sorts out the Middle East, while Paris Hilton gives her views on the Euro.)

     Now, Keira Knightley......what is wrong with her bottom? Now, while not to my taste, she IS attractive. But the actress recently confided to Jonathan Woss that while she is perfectly happy to get her mammaries out when filming, she always uses a body-double for scenes which involve her derrière.
     Various anonymous women are brought to the film set and Keira inspects their bottoms. She then picks the one she likes the best, apparently.
     My contacts within the film industry tell me, worringly, that all this happens because Keira's own bum is rather odd. The problem is that she has several buttocks, rather than the customary two. When I asked how many, I was told that it can vary between 5 and 8. During the filming of Atonement, 7 appeared out of nowhere apparently. Whether this is true or not, I have no idea. But we have a right to be told!!!

     I'm gunna come back home now:

More from our long-running soap opera - 'We're all in this together' (Part 99, starring our Government). The MP's who work in the rather swish-sounding Portcullis House, in Westminster, have just spent half-a-million quid of our money on a VERY good cause. They are renting fig trees for their atrium.
     I bet you had no idea you could rent fig trees, did you? Well, I'm afraid that's why your atrium (to be frank) looks shit. There's nothing worse than a bare atrium, as any jumped-up interior designer will tell you.
     You need something like exotic trees or perhaps a stuffed woolly mammoth to fill out the space a bit. You've probably just got a hatstand, a radiator and pictures of family and/or friends in your atrium. Mugs, you lot are. Get yourself down to the fig tree rental centre, sharpish! A couple of dozen will only set you back a million or so!

Made Me Chuckle (10)

In a run-down part of East London recently, a fire destroyed a dilapidated four storey house that had been divided into four flats.

A Nigerian family of six internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished in the fire.

A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they too, all perished in the fire.

Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free occupied the 3rd floor and they too, died.

And one middle aged British white couple lived on the top floor. They miraculously survived the fire.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why were just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systematic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news. Boris Johnson - Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment would be available within the next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!

A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area and demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The chief fire officer quietly replied:-

"They were the only ones at work."

How did Sherlock (TV) survive?

"Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be true."

I do not believe that a mask/plastic surgery was used, nor do I believe that it was Moriarty or another corpse who was on the ground or thrown. That just isn't 'Sherlock' imo.

We can clearly see that Sherlock was the one stood on the ledge and it is the same Sherlock who jumps. Moriarty was laid prone on the rooftop of St. Bart's. I'm of the suspicion that Moriarty remains alive somehow (no idea how, though). Like all great Heroes and Villains, Sherlock and Moriarty live for the existence of the other. Anyway, onto Sherlock......

1. Note that Watson did not see the impact of the fall ,as Sherlock begged him to stay where he was (Specifically: 'Keep your eyes fixed on me'). I suspect that Sherlock jumped into the rubbish truck which was immediately beside where he 'landed'. From a height of 60-odd feet, he would be travelling at 43mph as he hit the ground. That impact cannot be survivable on concrete. However a shorter fall onto a big heap of rubbish bags? Easily survivable. Also, Sherlock was laid at a different angle to that at which he was falling - almost perpendicular. Yet parallel to the truck, had he rolled off it.

2. It takes an age for Watson to reach the body, as he is disoriented by a collision with a cyclist. I suspect that the cyclist was one of Sherlock's Homeless Network employed to daze Watson. Sherlock could easily have landed in the rubbish truck and rolled to reposition himself on the ground. Similarly, I believe that the people who quickly surround Sherlock are also part of the Homeless Network; a ploy to further delay Watson reaching him.

3. Sherlock, earlier, had a 'moment' with Molly, the girl in the morgue who fancies him like mad. Sherlock tells Molly that she is very important to him, and it is evident that she'd do anything for him. She could easily supply some blood (real or otherwise) and then interfere with autopsy reports etc. It could even be that Molly was positioned below as Sherlock jumped, to supply this blood.

4. Watson feels for Sherlock's pulse, which doesn't seem to be there. HOW do you stop a pulse? Well, Sherlock was playing with a squash-ball earlier in the episode. If you place a squash-ball under the armpit, you can stop a pulse in the wrist from being felt. Another way of stopping the pulse would be the consumption of rhododendron (the flower found on the kidnapper's shoe, earlier in the episode - so Sherlock would've had some in his possession).

5. Mycroft's ambivalence to his brother's death suggests to me that he too (as well as Molly) was in on what Sherlock was planning (in spite of their fiery relationship). It was Mycroft that 'unwittingly' gave some of Sherlock's life secrets to Moriarty. This may have been part of the plan to convince Watson that Sherlock really was dead. Also, Mycroft could play a part in document forgery (with regards to the autopsy by Molly).

6. I believe that Watson HAD to believe Sherlock was dead in order that everyone else believe's it. Sherlock's closest companion is the one who 'would truly know' after all. Also, Sherlock knows Watson's 'human' mannerisms and would know that Watson would really believe that his friend was dead.
Sherlock is alive and I think the above provides a good explanation as to how he did it. HOWEVER.......other worthy notes:

- Watson keeping his eyes fixed on Sherlock meant he didn't see the moment of impact. This is the argument I use for 'landing in the truck and rolling onto the ground', but who's to say that Molly wasn't also waiting below with blood - having had previous instruction from Sherlock, along with the Homeless Network.


- The high-pitched noise we hear as Watson is disoriented is similar to the noise we hear regularly throughout the 'Hound of Baskervilles' episode; could his disorientation be caused by that same drug/fear stimulant? Perhaps the drug was issued somehow by the passing cyclist? The Sun blocking his eyes has the same blinding effect as when the lights were turned on in the lab in HoB, after taking that drug.

- The rubbish truck drives away after the body 'lands'. Is Sherlock on the ground? Or has he been carried off? The body on the ground could be PERCEIVED to be Sherlock by Watson if he'd taken that fear-stimulant drug. They saw the hound 'because they expected to see it'. Maybe Watson (and the audience) saw Sherlock's body in a similar way - expected to see him dead? I don't believe this is very 'Sherlock' but is perfectly possible and fairly simple.

- Sherlock asked Moriarty for 'privacy'......was this so that the 'Molly' set-up could occur without Moriarty's knowledge? Once set-up, Sherlock could turn to Moriarty with the 'as long as you're alive' story, knowing Moriarty would be insane enough to kill himself.

- 'Keep your eyes fixed on me' kept Watson standing where he was. Crucially, this may have restricted the view of the sniper too. Perhaps causing the sniper to only see Sherlock's fall and not the impact.

It's my opinion that Sherlock provoked Moriarty into this set-up, and pulled it off remarkably well.

EDIT! Some thoughts.

Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss have stuck remarkably well to the book narrative. That suggests to me that Moriarty will somehow have fallen from the roof WITH Sherlock (unless it is metaphorical, given he's shot himself).

Also, before Sherlock reappears, Mycroft has Mrs Hudson rearrange a dummy of Sherlock 20/30 times a day in the window of 221B Baker St, in order to fool further enemies (Moriarty henchmen?).

Made Me Chuckle (9)

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a gorgeous bird wave at him and say hello. He´s rather taken aback because he can´t place where he knows her from. So he says "Do you know me?" 

To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids" 

Stunned, his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says "My God are you the stripper from my stag party that I banged over the pool table wth all my mates watching, while your partner whipped my arse with wet celery ????" 

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, " No, I'm your son´s Maths teacher"

I think I've had it.

I'm struggling to love football like I used to. The goings on at Blackburn Rovers (the club close to my heart) have tipped me over the edge. I'll not be buying a Season Ticket next season, regardless of league, manager, players or ownership. Venkys have run that club into the ground, costing the jobs of very notable and respected people in their fields. But the general problems in football have hit me like a brick today.

These players are earning ridiculous amounts of money (and that's LAST year)! These people are earning money per week that 99.9999% of the world's population will never see in a lifetime's work. £250,000 per week for kicking a ball into a net? For breaking peoples legs? For conning referees? For  spitting at players? For having an affair while the missus is pregnant? For fucking your brother's wife? For assaulting people outside McDonald's and sticking cigar's into people's eyes? For shooting interns? Why should I contribute to the living these tossers make, when they can't even act as role models? They are heroes for many! The one player I continue to admire is Zinedine Zidane, which makes me a hypocrite, but sod that!

Give that money to people who risk their own lives and/or save the lives of others: Members of HM Armed Forces, Doctors, Nurses, Surgeons, Paramedics, Firemen, Policemen. Better yet, donate half of it to worthy charities. What's £125,000 per week less going to mean to a man who 'earns' £250,000 a week??? He'd still take home about £80,000 a week (assuming after-tax figures, as I can't be arsed doing the maths).

These people can't even negotiate wage terms for themselves. No, they have to rely on slimy buggers to do it for them. These 'agents' then go and con money out of a club, which hard-working customers have paid to watch a sport on a weekend. Not only that, but the clubs WILLINGLY pay them this money!!!

No wonder the level of 'debt' clubs accrue is spiralling out of control. This money is being spent on ridiculous wages and even more ridiculous transfer fees. Chelsea paid Liverpool  £50 million to acquire Fernando Torres. Torres will 'earn' more than that amount over the length of his 5.5-year contract (which has 4.5 years left to run). The man will have cost over £100million to score (at the time of writing) 3 goals!!!! That is stupid. It is so fucking ridiculous, that even an epic face-palm will not cover it.

That money should remain in the hands of the people who REALLY earned it. Failing that, give it to those who deserve it (as mentioned above). Football used to be a working class sport. Now it's a worldwide business. I may love watching the game, but the sooner it collapses, the better.

Life is Backwards, surely?

You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go and collect your pension for a few years, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You retire to University, drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for secondary school. You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.