Women: Do I understand them or not? Your call......

In secondary school, you could hold a door open for a lass (whether or not you are heading through it yourself) and they immediately decide you fancy them (and let's face it, you normally do if you hold a door open for a girl). With this in mind they act very coy whenever they are around you, implying that they too fancy you (which drives you nuts -in a good way- for a little while). They then repeat a mantra of this while smiling to themselves throught the day. The next day is where the real fun starts. The next day the lass begins to stalk her victim (you or me) pin-pointing his wherabouts throught the day and studying their habits. After a while we begin to feel uncomfortable. The female is soon is faced with the cold hard assumption (with no evidence at all to back it up) that the guy (you or me) doesn't like her and falls into a pit of despair; vowing a life of lonliness and contemplating becoming a nun. The FACT is that we probably like them a hell of a lot and just don't know how to approach them. Upon 'finding out' we have no chance (or just feeling that way) we become despondent and avoid them (or stalk them, depending on how you're affected by these things). After a further day of this needless brooding, the female returns to her habitat waiting for her next unsuspecting victim. And girls wonder why many lads are just a tiny bit shit-scared of them at this point.

At college, they become more friendly (GENUINELY more friendly, not more promiscuous) and we begin to enjoy the pleasure of their company (no, I promise I'm not using euphemisms). Meanwhile the ones that enjoy multiple carnal pursuits suddenly take a fancy to bloody EVERYONE (including those who didn't exist 5 minutes and 23 seconds ago). They decide to lavish us with flirtatious glances, smudged-yet-sexy-eye-shadow winks, licks of the lips (honestly, you filthy lot) and tightening of the shirts (you look for the clothes peg at the back, but you end up unhinging something which ends up giving us far less of a treat). Soon as we begin to take a mild fancy to the Essex-orange 'shat aaaap' lot, out flow the tears and out come the talons to shred you to pieces when you tell them a silver-sequinned shirt makes them resemble a Brillo-Pad (because our as of yet unconfident little brains believed that a joke was a better chat-up line than a compliment).

At Uni......well.....where to start?

At uni, we gain a little more confidence and there is a TSUNAMI of gorgeous lasses thrown our way (with the occasional whale, giraffe or pug. Or even remnants from the Tango crew). Myself and Dobbie, of course, have our own unwritten rules (who doesn't?) when it comes to a night on the pull. We also have a little match going on, which I am currently losing 5-2. That is pulls and not sex (and Dobbie's 5 includes 2 lesbians, each from a separate night. Must be something about being a ManYoo-supporting cockney from Wales). Upon sex, one of us wins the match and we start again. Upon the beginning of a relationship for either of us, game abandoned. HOWEVER, pulls flow from match to match, as a form of 'goal difference'. I hasten to add at this point, that this is just a bit of fun in no way do I approve of chauvinistic views. The 'game' just makes it an easy football reference for us poor, unintelligent little souls. Now get in the kitchen and make me a 'sammich', bitch :P

Women at University are lovely. Some of them become our best friends (RosieM and AmyW get shout-outs here). Even the acquaintances become the source of a great day or night out. It's as if the gender differences (while clearly there) become nothing. Senses of humour become fused. In-jokes form a big part of our lives. And sometimes you can end up boob-grabbing purely for a joke with no sexual implication whatsoever (or so they think anyway).

That is pretty much my observation of women so far in life. I've had one evil ex (no names), with a lovely ex either side of her (KathyG and LauraN). No, I don't mean all at once.

Women are wonderful creatures. But somehow, someway, they continue to scare the shit out of many of us.